Ep1: Why am I still single?

I have heard a lot of things from people - from things like it's time to get someone special to you're the only one single in the group. To be honest, in a scale of I am not sure if I am ready to I don't really bother, it inclines more towards the latter.

I have been to a couple of relationships, and I cannot really compare one from the other. Each relationship had so much differences - the personality of my other half, the wins and challenges that we had, the bittersweet memories, and I don't know how long I can type if I am to elaborate its uniqueness. One thing's for sure, though, all of them taught me a lot of things and helped me grow exponentially. I have learned that I am a person with so much love for love. I respect it so much and I only want to receive the type of love I think I should have, I protect it so much that I only want to get it when it is time, but I thought of it so highly that I try to give it to as much people as I could. Friends, family, and a lot of strangers who became someone significant... and eventually became a stranger again.

I have tried a lot of avenues - from friends who set me up on a date with their other friends, friends who thought I was interesting and through this I want to apologize to those people if I disappoint them with my weird taste of the world, dating apps (there's always a time for the first time, right?), and a lot more. I tried so much to share the love I respected so much. In trying so hard, I got hurt as hard. Surprisingly, despite all the damage that I received, I never felt like giving up. I still have the same level of respect with love, I still feel this obligation to protect it, and I still think highly of it that I want all the people to experience it. It is wonderful, we just got to learn how to play with it well.

I already chose the best recipient of this love I protect so much. I already made a clear concept of that sole person whose roots should be filled with affection. I already visualized the whole picture and what's going to happen next if this person receives the love that person truly deserves. This person is going to be the sanctuary of something eternal, and will pass it on to another, and another, until it becomes a cycle. And that cycle will start until this person's ready. This time, I chose to love myself.

Travel.

Go out alone.

Treat yourself and yourself only when you win your battles. Cry with yourself and create a plan B when you lose it.

This time, I chose to be with myself.

Clichè.

Yes.

I could not agree more. I actually am unsure if this is simply because I chose to love myself or is it partially because I am kind of afraid to take the plunge again? Regardless of where this is coming from, I still think that being alone is the best incubator for a newer you. Let's try to know ourselves better. Go to places we never knew existed. Do things we never knew we'll enjoy. Let's evolve ourselves continuously until we feel that our void from our fail relationships are completely erased. Let us just take care of ourselves until we can be certain that we won't need to depend on someone to take care of us.

And then take the plunge again.

But what's the purpose of preparing yourself if you'll take the risk again?

What if it fails?

I actually don't know the answers to my questions. I don't even know if this makes any sense. I just think that preparing yourself this way keeps you grounded that whatever happens, you can take the days with or without another person. You'll end up crying, maybe. But you'll know that you can lift your arm and wipe it all off to start something better. You'll end up hurting, certainly. That's inevitable. It only proves that you are a human being and you are capable of riding this roller coaster ride called emotions. You cannot skip the pages of your life, but you'll know that you'll have the strength to flip the pages and not just blow it up.

You are you. Not just a half of another person.

Go for it. Choose the perfect person to receive the best kind of love - self love.

A Letter to Life for my Birthday

Dear life,

You never failed to amaze me incredibly. And I want to thank you for all the surprises. I thank you for the ups and downs, for the hints and for the things that I have no idea about. I thank you for the people you allowed me to meet - for those who made a huge impact in my life and for those who simply passed by. Again, you never failed to amaze me.

I thank you for another year, and I know it is too much to ask but I am asking for a lot more. I want to share my stories to the world - my successes and challenges, those small things that complete the recipe of my identity. I want to inspire people and show them more ways on how they can see life. I want to be an advocate of positivity and love, not only to people special to me but also to those who simply need someone to tell them that things happen because they simply do. I am asking for additional years in my life to accomplish what I truly believe I am set here to do - to tap into people's lives.

"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving." - Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Thank you so much for making me feel that I am loved by numbers of people I cannot count. I want to thank you for the countless blessings that I received, and numerous amount of opportunities that I might have missed. Thank you for making me learn through challenges, those roadblocks molded me to have a stronger shell and thicker skin to endure what's coming next. And I'm telling you, I am just half prepared all the time.

Thank you for making me read books that improved my way of thinking. Thank you for making me watch movies and listen to songs that changed my perception in life. Thank you for the strangers that I bump into everyday. These helped me in seeing things differently, rather than seeing only in my own perspective.

I also truly thank you for the people who stayed. I know I don't have a big circle, and I am pretty grateful about it. Seeing myself in a small group, but sure enough that I can always lean on someone when I feel like my shoulders can't bear everything altogether, makes me feel contented about who I have. I can never thank you enough for the authenticity of relationships you always give me.

I can only promise three things to you.

I am going to stay true to what I believe in. I am going to die standing firm to my belief and aiming to inspire and touch someone's heart through my stories. I will always want to contribute something to a person's life. I will always want to make a change and leave an imprint. I am going to continue reading books, watching movies, listening to songs, bumping into strangers, to grow and fully know who I am as a person.

I will continue to laugh, cry, love, get hurt, because that makes me human. I will continue caring for plants, for animals, for all the people around me, for that makes me capable of loving. And being capable of loving makes it a lot easier to radiate the aura. I will continue to love!

I will continue with my expedition in knowing myself, and never stop because I know I will never get there. There is always this one thing that will surprise a person about himself. And that is one thing I am flabbergasted about - knowing all the things about me that even I will be surprised. This way, I can surprise more people and add an element to their lives.

Lastly, I want to let you know that I am always excited for whatever is about to happen along my road. I might always be half prepared, and somehow half afraid, but I am always thrilled to learn something and add to my library of I don't yet - a failure or a success.

Whatever you're up to, I am up for it and I wholeheartedly accept your challenge!

With much love,
rhnmrslzr

Sa panahong mag-isa ako, literal at metaporikal.

Naramdaman mo na ba 'yung pakiramdam na ikaw lang mag-isa? Literal at metaporikal. Literal dahil wala ka talagang kasama sa pisikal na aspeto, at metaporikal dahil pakiramdam mong wala kang makakasama kung sakaling maghanap ka man. Nalulungkot isipin.

Ito ako, nasa sarili 'ko na namang panahon at mundo. Kung saan mag-isa ako at wala akong kasama, literal at metaporikal. Pwede akong maging kahit na sino: maging prinsepe ng sarili 'kong palasyo, maging direktor ng sarili 'kong pelikula, maging bida ng sarili 'kong nobela. Pwede 'kong gawin kahit anong gusto ko: tumambling at mag-alambitin sa dingding, magpatugtog ng malakas at sumayaw ng walang hanggan hanggang sa mapasma ang buo 'kong katawan.

Oo masaya ang maging mag-isa, kung titignan mo sa ganitong aspeto ang sarili mong mundo at ang mundong ginagalawan ng iba. Hindi mo kailangan isipin ang iisipin nila. Hindi mo kailangan makipagkita sa gitna ng mga bagay-bagay para iwasan ang iringan. Maaari mong gawin ang gusto mong gawin, walang pipigil sa'yo. Iba naman din ang mundong ginagalawan mo, hindi ba? Kulang na lang, magkaroon ka ng sarili mong pila sa tuwing pupunta ka sa suki mong tindahan o kaya naman kapag magdedeposito ng pera sa banko. Literal at metaporikal.

No man is an island, literal at metaporikal. Gaano mo man baligtbarin ang mundo at isaksak sa kokote mong kakayanin kong mag-isa, maraming tututol sa'yo. Isama mo pa nanay at tatay mo sa listahan ng mga kadebate mo. Itaga mo sa bato.

Kung hindi mo kinailangan ang utong ng nanay mo noong bagong panganak ka, burahin mo siya sa listahan. Kung hindi mo kinailangan ang perang kinikita ng tatay mo para sa lahat ng pangangailangan mo, burahin mo siya sa listahan. Kung matalino ka na mula pagsilang at hindi kinailangan ang gabay ng mga guro mo sa eskwela, huwag mo na silang isulat sa listahan para huwag ka nang magbura. Kung walang itinuturing na pinakamatalik na kaibigan, aba syempre wala kang isusulat. Wag kang mag-imbento dahil hindi mo naman sila kinailangan.

Gusto 'ko ng dalawang katawan ngayon. Literal at metaporikal.

Gusto 'kong maranasan ng mas matagal tagal ang kapayapaan ng pag-iisa. Nakakapagsayaw ako. Nakapapagsulat ako. Nakakapagisip ako. Pakiramdam 'ko walang multa ano man ang gawin 'ko. Dahil sa libong beses na uulitin, pag-aari 'ko ang mundo. Hindi ako huhulihin sa pagtawid sa gitna ng kalsada. Hindi ako susutsutan ng nga matatandang naiistorbo ng ginintuan 'kong boses. Hindi 'ko kailangang tumingin sa dinaraanan dahil wala naman akong mababangga. Mas mapayapa kung ako lang, kung ganito lang.

Sa parehong oras, gusto 'ko rin uwian ang pamilya 'ko sa probinsya. Kasi isang oras pa lang akong nahihiwalay sa kanila hindi 'ko alam pero parang hinahatak ako pabalik sa mundo at bayan na pinanggalingan 'ko. Lagi 'ko silang naiisip at humihiling na sana hindi 'ko na kailangan manatili sa Maynila at bumalik na lang sa payak 'kong buhay kung saan basta may kulay ube pa ang pitaka 'ko, masasabi 'kong mairaraos 'ko pa ang buong araw na hindi ako nagmumukhang kawawa. May sukli pa at pamasahe pauwi.

Gusto 'ko rin kausapin ang mga kaibigang matagal 'ko nang hindi nakakausap. Gusto 'kong kamustahin kung ano na bang sentro ng bawat pagpupursigi nila ngayon. Balikan ang noon kung saan iniisip lang namin ang marka ng huling pagsusulit at kung paano babawi. Gusto 'kong malaman kung gaano na ba sila kalapit sa mga pangarap na noo'y tinatanaw lang namin sa malayo. Gusto 'kong sabihing mas gusto 'kong bumalik na lang sa nakaraan. Kung saan kontrolado 'ko ang problema 'ko. Mataas na grado lang ang solusyon. Mag-aral sa gabi para hindi nag-iisip ng pambawi sa susunod na pagsusulit. Simple. Klaro. Hindi komplikado.

Gusto 'kong makilala na ngayon ang nakatadhanang maging bahagi ng buhay 'ko. Sabihin sa kanilang, alam 'kong dapat sa mga susunod na linggo o buwan pa kita makilala. Pero minadali 'ko na, alam kong magiging malaki ang papel mo sa buhay. Maaaring tuturuan mo akong maging mas wais na ako. Maaaring kasabay kita sa isang pagsubok sa buhay 'ko. Hindi 'ko rin alam, maaaring ikaw ang babasag sa puso 'ko. Ano man ang dahilan ng tadhana para ipakilala ka sa akin, magpapasalamat na ako ngayon pa lang. Minsan kasi nakakalimutan 'ko nang magpasalamat. Bago man lang malimutan, mas mabuti nang agapan.

At matapos ang lahat ng gagawin ng ikalawang ako. Gusto 'kong muli siyang bumalik kasama ng mapag-isang ako, literal at metaporikal.

Gusto 'kong ipagkumpara ang pakiramdam dahil alam 'kong sa kani kanilang nilang diskarte, binibigyan nila ako ng ideyang maaari 'kong kuhanan ng mas matatalinong pagtanaw sa mundo. Na maaari palang pagsamahin ang dalawang pagkataong mayroon ako, ang dalawang sitwasyon na gusto 'kong galawan sa parehong panahon. At maaari palang ipaglukob ang mundong mayroon ako sa mundo ng natitira pang nilalang. Posible, litetal at metaporikal.

OP ako bilang isang 90’s kid

Marami akong nababasa sa internet:

The best maging 90’s kid.

Walang tatalo sa 1990’s

Masarap maging bata noong 90s.

Siguro nga? Pinanganak ako noong 1994, pero hindi ako sigurado.

Usong uso hanggang ngayon sa mga bata ang bedtime stories para mas mabilis silang makatulog. Hindi ‘ko naranasan ‘yan. Sa halip ako ang nagbabasa ng mga bedtime stories sa harap ng mga magulang ‘ko para mas mahasa ako sa pagbabasa sa murang edad. Oo, nag-enjoy naman ako. Masarap magbasa, lalo na kapag nakikita ‘kong natutuwa sa akin ang nanay at tatay ‘ko. Feeling ‘ko ang tali-talino ‘ko. I was three or four at that time at sobrang matatas na ang pagbabasa ‘ko. T’was 1997 or 1998.

Uso rin ang mga larong kalye noon. Habulan, taguan, langit lupa impyerno. Im. Im. Impyerno. Hindi ‘ko na masyadong alam ‘yung susunod na lyrics. Saksaka puso lalala. Hindi ‘ko naman kasi nalaro ‘yun ng maraming beses. Hindi  ‘ko ulit naranasan ‘yan. Minsan pag nasa school ako tatakasan ‘ko yung kamag-anak namin na susunduin ako ng motor para iuwi sa bahay namin, para makapaglaro kasama ng mga kaklase ‘ko habang naghihintay sila ng service nila. Mabibilang ‘ko sa dalawang kamay ‘ko kung ilang beses akong naglaro. Masaya, pero sobrang bitin. Busy ako ‘nun most of the time. Pinaglalaro ako ng kung ano ano. Scrabble, Boggle, Chess, mga larong pampatalino daw. Hindi ako nakakalabas ng bahay kasi kalsada agad ang labas ng bahay pagkatulay mo sa eskenita. Hindi kami nakatira sa subdivision ‘kung saan pwedeng maglaro ang mga batang magkakapitbahay pagkagising nila galing siesta.   Mabilis lumawak ang vocabulary ‘ko. Nag-enjoy ulit ako sa mga larong ‘yun, kasi tumatalino naman ako. T’was early 2000s kung saan sobrang kaunti pa lang ng may computer.

Fast forward.

Grade 1 o grade 2 ako nito. Nauso ang GameBoy Color, binili agad ako ng tita ‘ko galing sa Japan. Napirmi ako lalo sa bahay namin kasi nakaka-adik maglaro. Pokemon pa ‘yung bala ng GameBoy ‘ko nun! Hindi ‘ko daw pwede dalhin sa school kasi baka mawala kaya umuuwi ako agad para makapaglaro. Tatakbo sa damuhan, hindi ako, ‘yung character ‘ko sa Pokemon para makahanap ng makakalaban para mas tumaas ‘yung level ng Pokemon ‘ko. Doon lang ako nakaexperience tumakbo ng matagal na matagal. Nakakapagod pala. Napagod ‘yung daliri ‘ko sa kakapindot ng arrow buttons ng GameBoy para makahanap na ako ng kalaban. Ilang beses na rin akong nakapag New Game kasi natapos ‘ko na yung limang malalakas na dapat kalabanin. Nakuha ‘ko na rin ‘yung pangarap ‘kong Pokemon ‘nun, si Dragonair.Minsan, itinakas ‘ko ‘yung GameBoy ‘ko para madala ‘ko sa school. Lalaruin ‘ko sana sa recess. Oha! Recess pa ‘yung tawag nun pag grade school diba. Pinagkaguluhan ako ng mga kaklase ‘ko, ‘yung iba nakikilaro pa. Pag-uwi ‘ko ng lunch break (umuuwi kasi ako every lunch), hinanap sa akin ng nanay ‘ko yung GameBoy ‘ko at napag-alaman na nilang dinala ‘ko ‘yun sa school. Ayun. Grounded. Nawalan ako ng laruan, nawalan ako ng mapagkaka-abalahan sa bahay. In short, grounded.

Fast Forward v2.0

Ngayon, uso na ang kung ano-anong gadgets. Computers, tablets, mobile phones, yadayadayada. Akala ‘ko makakasabay na ako kasi medyo outgrown na ang mga larong pambata. Well in some sort oo nakakasabay ako kasi nabubutingtin ‘ko ang mga bagay na ‘yan. I somehow became adept to these kinds of stuff. But here comes blogging, like what I do.

Sobrang dami ‘kong nababasang blogs from teenagers, ‘yung iba schoolmates ‘ko pa from FEU. Ang dami nilang blogs about fun and games noong bata sila. At sobrang naiinggit ako.

Proud to be 90s kid.

Batang 90s ako.

Ang sarap ng childhood ‘ko kasi pinanganak ako noong 90s.

Masarap naman ang childhood ‘ko. Pero bakit hindi ‘ko naexperience ang lahat ng sinasabi ng blogs nila? Kept me thinking about it. Was I busy being a child? Or was I busy thinking not to disappoint my parents? Nag-enjoy ako in a different way. At ngayong malaki na ako hindi ‘ko alam kung paano hahabulin ang bagay na na-miss out ‘ko na sa kabataan.

Making the story short, I was physically a 90s kid.

Physically, but I don’t embody the memory of a 90s kid. I was a kid in the future noong panahon ‘ko. Busy ako maghanda para sa darating na bukas. Hindi ako nakatakbo, hindi ako nakapagtago, hindi ako nataya ng mga kalaban ‘ko.

Gusto ‘kong magblog ng kagaya ng blog nila. Gusto ‘kong sabihin na minsan sa buhay ‘ko nadungisan ang damit ‘ko kakatakbo. Gusto ‘ko ipagmalaki ang mgapeklat ‘ko kasi nadapa ako. Gusto ‘ko rin sabihin na the best ang panahong 1990s. Pero kahit anong gawin ‘ko, OP talaga ako bilang 90s kid.

Last Polaroid Film

     I hate to see these tubes! I hate to see this pure white clothing I am wearing right now and the four corners of this pure white room I am in. I hate to see people visiting me bringing flowers inside this room. I hate to see the tears from their eyes warning me that it is about to flow any moment now. I hate to see professional people walking inside my room and then ask me a couple of questions after reading the diagram atop my side table. Shit this life. I was not born to stay here lying on this bed! I need to walk and travel and explore every possibilities of the world. I need to take photos and show the people how magnificent the world is, how captivating is its beauty, how mesmerizing the places could be if those are framed in photographs and films. I really missed my normal life. I wish I was normal again.

     Liana Montealegre, turning 37 this December 31st. Yes yes, I know. People will illuminate the sky with fireworks and all, come on it's new year people. I take photographs of all the fireworks on our area every New Year's Eve as a gift to myself. I make sure that I got every angle properly to preserve the joy these fireworks will bring to whoever will be seeing it. Oh no, let me rephrase my statement - I used to make sure. I won't be able to do those starting my 37th birthday. And I'll miss all the beauty of the world on my bithday.

     I don't have a perfect family and I acknowledge it. It is hard for a woman to endure emotional pain but I remained strong because I need to be. I have my little Marlon that needs my love and caring, specially that he is now growing up. I want to be with him on the stage when he graduate from his high school level. I want him to feel that I love him the most and I want him to feel that he is the only person I wake up for every single day of my life. I'm trying real hard but I guess Marlon's eyes are just closed too tight.

     "Mom, what are you feeling right now and why are we here for long in the first place?" Marlon asked me out of his curiosity  I kept Marlon out of this because I don't want him to add up to the people I look upon that every time they visit, there's tears. But I think I hide too far and that his consciousness tells him that something is not right. I don't want to tell him but I'll tell him anyway, provided that he'll tell me what I want to hear straight from him.

     "I will tell you what is happening if you'll answer one last question that Mommy has for you, will that do you good?" I tried to negotiate. And all I heard is a big yes from my big boy. I want to make this easy for him, I want him to have an idea as to what he needs to know the same time I asked my question. I'm a bit skeptical because he might not understand, but I'll make it as easy as I could to make the conversation shorter.

     "Okay, then darling." I started by taking a deep breath to pull up strength and then blew the question I wanted to ask two years ago. "If I were to die tomorrow, will you tell me all your lies and then tell me you're sorry?" I look straight in his eyes and I made him feel my pain and I can see that he shivered. "Will you hug me tight and then ask for my forgiveness? Will you explain everything to me for me to understand? Will you tell that you'll make it right this time at least before I leave you because I wont make it the next day? I want to see an honest face Marlon. Please honey, make it easy for me."

    I counted a couple of seconds with eyes closed. I lost count but still I can't hear any word from Marlon's voice. I waited for a couple of more seconds, this time with eyes open staring at his. All the wait was wasted because all I see is a disoriented face and all I heard was non-sense. "Mom, why are you talking like that! It's like I'm the worst son in the world that a mother can imagine. Don't make me feel like I'm bad because it makes me feel like doing so! You can or you cannot tell me what the hell is happening here, I'm not planning to stick long anyway. I'd rather go home and play baseball." Right there and then he prepared his stance and slowly he walked away. It just broke my heart because until the end my son would prefer to keep the burden to himself than letting me in the problem and letting me share what resolution I can do. Is it called independence or called a rebellion? I love my son so bad and I guess I was not that type of mother who will make my son feel inferior and out of control with his life. I let my son decide - he likes pizza for dinner, so be it; he likes to learn how to play the violin, I let him though I know that he'll quit after a week in which he really did; he wants to have a new phone for Christmas, I gave it; he wants to go to the movie house alone, I let him do it. My son is really growing up, and I guess things really change. But this is one change I did not anticipated.

     Lights are off, everything around me is already quiet. A perfect chance, just the right moment. I grabbed a blank Polaroid film and a pen, and then afterwards place everything I wanted to say in the back side of the film. Place it inside the Polaroid camera and then prepare the last photo I'll take. I made sure that every angle is perfect just like any other picture I shoot. I made sure that everything will be captured and nothing will be left outside the frame. I adjusted a little more, double checked the peripheral frames, and wait for it... perfect!

     The next morning, I was all over the road, to my bits and pieces and almost cannot be recognized. And I took my last shot, because it is really the last. I was located at the penthouse of the hospital - the top floor, but the next morning I'm here on the ground, blood oozing on my head because of the impact of gravity. That was -9.8 m/s2 acceleration so no wonder it got this serious. I am still aware of what's happening. I can still hear the people shouting for help. But whenever I try to open my eyes everything is really foggy and all I see is bright white. Then I know it is almost over. At last, my hard days are over. And the only thing I could leave was my picture before I jumped the window from the top floor of the hospital, together with my message on it.

     "Marlon, I know it from the start that you didn't pursue studies. I know that you started being on drugs. I know that you drag race all night. I know it all, honey. But I want it all to come from you because I have my full trust on you. I waited for you to say it just so you could know what happened to me. But you hid all of it, so I had my tiny little secret, too. I guess the ties are equal now. You go on with your life, for mine's over. I wish you a long and happy life."

Thoughts About Time

     As what Carrie said in her diary in the ever famous series (Carrie Diaries of ETC) , "There’s a brief moment when you first wake where you have no memories - a blissful blank slate, a happy emptiness, but it doesn't last long. And you remember exactly where you are and what you are trying to forget." A short period of time where in you just wake up and everything is clear, but all of a sudden when your conscious mind starts to take over the peace everything is about to be ruined.

     And then everything comes into place after your first solemn moment, you’ll feel the familiar feeling again - pain and heartaches. All the conscious thoughts start to fill your head, like a file in your PC that finished loading. The only thing is, this file is eating too much memory that it slows you down, because the processor really cannot handle the weight of the file. We cannot handle it, we slow down. Maybe because we are thinking of ways on finding an easier way out? Or maybe we are taking it slowly to avoid being hurt more. People say, slowly but surely.

     True enough, slowly but surely. I guess time is still our best weapon. We just need to find the courage to wake up every morning and succumb to the pain of everything we face - might it be a heartbreak, or a family problem, finance, education, friendship. Because every time we face it, we grow accustomed to it and our unconscious minds do things to finally make things better. We might not be aware of it but our hearts are being guarded by our instincts as time passes by, then we become stronger. Then one morning will come when the blank slate will be slightly longer because the pains don’t need to load anymore and that causes the serene moment to prolong and then there comes the conscious thoughts of our everyday living.

     Pain is like a trend, it will stay there and of course it will occupy you inside and out. But as time passes this trend will fade in the background due to period of saturation, it won’t suit your taste anymore. Same thing, you’ll get used to the situation that it just fades to your background like it didn't really matter at all. Give it a shot, wake up in the morning and embrace your tears. Then do the same thing the next morning. A cycle that will get you to continue living because that is how it is. The easiest way out is not always the easiest, and the longest run is not always the longest. But one thing is more important - LEARNING FROM THAT THING THAT MADE YOU SHED THOSE TEARS AND NEVER ENCOUNTER THEM AGAIN.

ALSABALUTAN

Ilang araw pa kaya ang titiisin kong ganito ang bawat pagsikat ng araw? Parang laging madilim at tila kulang sa tamis at ningning. Hindi tulad ng mga bituin kagabi na tila nangingimbitang makipagsayaw kasama ng mga ulap at ng mga natitirang planeta. Hindi tulad pag papalubog ang araw na tila may sumasabog na kulay ng pag-asa sa malawakang pagsulyap mo sa kahel na langit. Bakit kung kailan nagsisimula ang panibagong pahina ng kalendaryo, saka bumababa ang pag-asa ko?

Gusto kong umiyak, ‘yung maraming marami. Sasamantalahin ko na habang walang magpapatahan sa akin. Sasamantalahin kong walang nakatingin, walang matang huhusga. Sasamantalahin kong walang makakarinig, sapagkat wala rin namang nagaabalang magtanong kung bakit. Uubusin ko na lahat ngayon, isang iyakan isang bagsakan. Gusto kong umiyak. Yung maraming marami. Para pagtapos ng di mabilang na patak ng luha’y makangiti na ulit ako at masabing ayos ang lahat, kahit maraming bagay ang dapat ipagalala. Mga bagay na hindi dapat inilalagay lamang sa likod ng isipan dahil nangangailangan ng tutok na atensyon.

Sigurado ako, habang nagdadrama ako dito kasabay ng aking mga luha’y marami ring nakikisabay na umiyak sa akin. May mga nakikipagbuno kay kamatayan. May mga naglalamay para sa mga mahal nilang pumanaw na. May mga naiwan nang kani-kanilang kasintahan. May mga niloko ng asawa. May naholdap. May nanakawan. Siguro baka may ginagahasa rin. Iba man ang dahilan ay sigurado akong ang luhang iyon ay dala ng kalungkutan. Walang dahilan para magsaya, walang dahilan para ikagaan ng kalooban.

Sabi nga sa’kin ng nanay ko, ‘pag umiiyak ka lubusin mo na. Kasi baka bukas sabihan na nila OA ka. Sagarin mo na, habang may dahilan ka pa. Ayaw niyang manirahan ako sa mga bagay na alam ko namang ikababagsak ng emosyon ko. Ang mga tao kasi, may taglay na katangahan. Ay puta, alam na ngang kahinaan nila ‘yon pilit pang pinagsisiksikan ang sarili. ‘Yung kaklase ko nung high school, puro na nga palakol sa Math, yung gago nagEngineering pa. Eh di ayun, singko saka maraming summer. ‘Yung kapatid ko naman, alam na ngang kabit siya, kani kanina lang! Ipinipilit pa rin ‘yung lalaking iwan yung totoong asawa, kung makahiling akala mo naman nasa kanya yung singsing. Tanga diba?

Pero ang akin naman, walang masamang sumubok ng bago diba? Walang masamang mangarap at maghangad ng mataas. Sinasabi lagi sa TV ‘yun eh – Dream Big. Pero bakit pag mangangarap ka na, ang daming kesyo ganito kesyo ganyan. Bawal daw ‘to dapat hanggang dito ka lang. Eh nasan pa yung explore your limitations, kung di ka pa nga naguumpisa may pumipigil na. Eh ayoko ng pipigilan ako eh, sige, mageempake ako.

Kani-kanina lang nasa bus ako, papaalis na papunta ‘ko ng Maynila. Di ko alam kung san ako pupunta, di ko alam kung saan ako mapapadpad. Di ko alam kung hanngang kelan ako mabubuhay ng matiwasay. Kasi mag-isa na ako. Umalis ako sa amin, kasi gusto ‘ko na tuparin yung akin. Umalis ako sa amin, kasi pakiramdam ko walang mangyayari. Para ‘kong robot. Para akong tau-tauhan. Para ‘kong pyesa sa chess. Di ko alam kung pano kikilos ‘kung wala ‘yung nag-iisip ng bawat galaw ko. Wala naman kasi akong plano sa ganitong set-up. Kaya ito, didiskarte ako – NG DISKARTE KO.

Di ako sigurado, ‘kung kakain pa ba ako ng tatlong beses araw araw. Di ko din alam ‘kung mapapalitan pa ba ‘tong selpon ko ng bago. Wala naman akong pera eh, pamasahe lang. Di ko rin gamay ang Maynila. Pero ayos na ‘to, unti unti hahakbang ako. Paisa isa lang pero sigurado. Ayokong ituloy yung malalaking hakbang ‘ko papunta sa buhay na hindi ko alam kung ano. Paisa isa lang, pero alam ko yung pupuntahan ko. Tamang timing, tamang paraan, tamang ako. Swak. Solb tayo.

Ikaw, ano bang dahilan ng bawat drama mo?