Last Polaroid Film

     I hate to see these tubes! I hate to see this pure white clothing I am wearing right now and the four corners of this pure white room I am in. I hate to see people visiting me bringing flowers inside this room. I hate to see the tears from their eyes warning me that it is about to flow any moment now. I hate to see professional people walking inside my room and then ask me a couple of questions after reading the diagram atop my side table. Shit this life. I was not born to stay here lying on this bed! I need to walk and travel and explore every possibilities of the world. I need to take photos and show the people how magnificent the world is, how captivating is its beauty, how mesmerizing the places could be if those are framed in photographs and films. I really missed my normal life. I wish I was normal again.

     Liana Montealegre, turning 37 this December 31st. Yes yes, I know. People will illuminate the sky with fireworks and all, come on it's new year people. I take photographs of all the fireworks on our area every New Year's Eve as a gift to myself. I make sure that I got every angle properly to preserve the joy these fireworks will bring to whoever will be seeing it. Oh no, let me rephrase my statement - I used to make sure. I won't be able to do those starting my 37th birthday. And I'll miss all the beauty of the world on my bithday.

     I don't have a perfect family and I acknowledge it. It is hard for a woman to endure emotional pain but I remained strong because I need to be. I have my little Marlon that needs my love and caring, specially that he is now growing up. I want to be with him on the stage when he graduate from his high school level. I want him to feel that I love him the most and I want him to feel that he is the only person I wake up for every single day of my life. I'm trying real hard but I guess Marlon's eyes are just closed too tight.

     "Mom, what are you feeling right now and why are we here for long in the first place?" Marlon asked me out of his curiosity  I kept Marlon out of this because I don't want him to add up to the people I look upon that every time they visit, there's tears. But I think I hide too far and that his consciousness tells him that something is not right. I don't want to tell him but I'll tell him anyway, provided that he'll tell me what I want to hear straight from him.

     "I will tell you what is happening if you'll answer one last question that Mommy has for you, will that do you good?" I tried to negotiate. And all I heard is a big yes from my big boy. I want to make this easy for him, I want him to have an idea as to what he needs to know the same time I asked my question. I'm a bit skeptical because he might not understand, but I'll make it as easy as I could to make the conversation shorter.

     "Okay, then darling." I started by taking a deep breath to pull up strength and then blew the question I wanted to ask two years ago. "If I were to die tomorrow, will you tell me all your lies and then tell me you're sorry?" I look straight in his eyes and I made him feel my pain and I can see that he shivered. "Will you hug me tight and then ask for my forgiveness? Will you explain everything to me for me to understand? Will you tell that you'll make it right this time at least before I leave you because I wont make it the next day? I want to see an honest face Marlon. Please honey, make it easy for me."

    I counted a couple of seconds with eyes closed. I lost count but still I can't hear any word from Marlon's voice. I waited for a couple of more seconds, this time with eyes open staring at his. All the wait was wasted because all I see is a disoriented face and all I heard was non-sense. "Mom, why are you talking like that! It's like I'm the worst son in the world that a mother can imagine. Don't make me feel like I'm bad because it makes me feel like doing so! You can or you cannot tell me what the hell is happening here, I'm not planning to stick long anyway. I'd rather go home and play baseball." Right there and then he prepared his stance and slowly he walked away. It just broke my heart because until the end my son would prefer to keep the burden to himself than letting me in the problem and letting me share what resolution I can do. Is it called independence or called a rebellion? I love my son so bad and I guess I was not that type of mother who will make my son feel inferior and out of control with his life. I let my son decide - he likes pizza for dinner, so be it; he likes to learn how to play the violin, I let him though I know that he'll quit after a week in which he really did; he wants to have a new phone for Christmas, I gave it; he wants to go to the movie house alone, I let him do it. My son is really growing up, and I guess things really change. But this is one change I did not anticipated.

     Lights are off, everything around me is already quiet. A perfect chance, just the right moment. I grabbed a blank Polaroid film and a pen, and then afterwards place everything I wanted to say in the back side of the film. Place it inside the Polaroid camera and then prepare the last photo I'll take. I made sure that every angle is perfect just like any other picture I shoot. I made sure that everything will be captured and nothing will be left outside the frame. I adjusted a little more, double checked the peripheral frames, and wait for it... perfect!

     The next morning, I was all over the road, to my bits and pieces and almost cannot be recognized. And I took my last shot, because it is really the last. I was located at the penthouse of the hospital - the top floor, but the next morning I'm here on the ground, blood oozing on my head because of the impact of gravity. That was -9.8 m/s2 acceleration so no wonder it got this serious. I am still aware of what's happening. I can still hear the people shouting for help. But whenever I try to open my eyes everything is really foggy and all I see is bright white. Then I know it is almost over. At last, my hard days are over. And the only thing I could leave was my picture before I jumped the window from the top floor of the hospital, together with my message on it.

     "Marlon, I know it from the start that you didn't pursue studies. I know that you started being on drugs. I know that you drag race all night. I know it all, honey. But I want it all to come from you because I have my full trust on you. I waited for you to say it just so you could know what happened to me. But you hid all of it, so I had my tiny little secret, too. I guess the ties are equal now. You go on with your life, for mine's over. I wish you a long and happy life."

Thoughts About Time

     As what Carrie said in her diary in the ever famous series (Carrie Diaries of ETC) , "There’s a brief moment when you first wake where you have no memories - a blissful blank slate, a happy emptiness, but it doesn't last long. And you remember exactly where you are and what you are trying to forget." A short period of time where in you just wake up and everything is clear, but all of a sudden when your conscious mind starts to take over the peace everything is about to be ruined.

     And then everything comes into place after your first solemn moment, you’ll feel the familiar feeling again - pain and heartaches. All the conscious thoughts start to fill your head, like a file in your PC that finished loading. The only thing is, this file is eating too much memory that it slows you down, because the processor really cannot handle the weight of the file. We cannot handle it, we slow down. Maybe because we are thinking of ways on finding an easier way out? Or maybe we are taking it slowly to avoid being hurt more. People say, slowly but surely.

     True enough, slowly but surely. I guess time is still our best weapon. We just need to find the courage to wake up every morning and succumb to the pain of everything we face - might it be a heartbreak, or a family problem, finance, education, friendship. Because every time we face it, we grow accustomed to it and our unconscious minds do things to finally make things better. We might not be aware of it but our hearts are being guarded by our instincts as time passes by, then we become stronger. Then one morning will come when the blank slate will be slightly longer because the pains don’t need to load anymore and that causes the serene moment to prolong and then there comes the conscious thoughts of our everyday living.

     Pain is like a trend, it will stay there and of course it will occupy you inside and out. But as time passes this trend will fade in the background due to period of saturation, it won’t suit your taste anymore. Same thing, you’ll get used to the situation that it just fades to your background like it didn't really matter at all. Give it a shot, wake up in the morning and embrace your tears. Then do the same thing the next morning. A cycle that will get you to continue living because that is how it is. The easiest way out is not always the easiest, and the longest run is not always the longest. But one thing is more important - LEARNING FROM THAT THING THAT MADE YOU SHED THOSE TEARS AND NEVER ENCOUNTER THEM AGAIN.